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Another baseball hack — this time in Kenosha

kenosha_kingfishWe have another reported computer-system hack by one baseball team to another, as the Kenosha Kingfish (summer collegiate; Northwoods League) say their system was improperly access by the Madison Mallards (summer collegiate; Northwoods League) front office.

Of course, this is a joke riffing off the alleged access of the Houston Astros player database by the St. Louis Cardinals front office. But it’s a pretty good one. Here’s the press release from the Kingfish GM Jake McGhee:

Kenosha, Wis. – In light of the allegations being made against the St. Louis Cardinals for hacking into the Houston Astros’ network, the Kenosha Kingfish have learned that the Madison Mallards have similarly hacked into Kingfish computer servers. The Madison Mallards have leaked private information regarding the most sacred Kenosha Kingfish secrets via Facebook throughout the afternoon.  Kingfish GM Jake McGhee was formerly employed by the Mallards, and the Mallards allegedly exploited the previous relationship in order to hack McGhee and the Kingfish by determining the username and password to be “Kingfish” and “FatElvis” respectively. The Kingfish accuse the Mallards of unearthing and publishing the following company secrets:

  • Ticket salesman Dancing Elvi Tyler is actually related to Elvis Presley.
  • Jake McGhee has 6 pairs of shoes laying on his office floor and he actually can’t wear any due to an allergy to shoes.
  • King Elvis has tried 20 different diets the past two seasons to lose weight. Brats and cheese curds seem to be the only thing that actually works effectively.
  • Assistant GM Nick Heyerdahl is planning to make a run for the office of Mayor of the City of Kenosha.
  • The executive leadership team has been on time for only two meetings since the team formed in 2013.
  • Jake McGhee actually does live on the Twin Disc Bambino year round and that is not just a promotional idea for “Guaranteed Win Night.”

The Mallards front office has yet to comment on the allegations. The Kingfish, after reaching out to the FBI and local authorities and finding out that they couldn’t care less about this breach, are working with the local neighborhood watch groups for assistance.

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